My Fit-Throwing Phase

Thats what I call it: "My Fit-throwing Phase". Thats precisely what it was.
A couple of months ago, I went through a stage that altered my perception of Christianity forever. Sounds cheezy I know, but its true. Prior to my "Fit-Throwing Phase", I really wasnt sure why I was a Christian. I didnt have a specific reason for my faith and my sureness that there was a God and I was created to serve and worship Him. So . . .heres what happened.
It started around March. Somehow, I wound up talking to a guy that I never in my wildest dreams saw myself talking to. He was the epitome of Non-Christian, and also not even close to my type
But he liked me.
And that counted for something didnt it? He told me I was beautiful. That had certainly never happened before. Not even my father had ever told me that I was beautiful. I was hooked. I knew somewhere deep that I didnt really like this guy, I just liked being liked. I was using him to boost my self-esteem. But it had a reverse effect. I became more disgusted with myself with every passing day.
As this relationship grew deeper, every other relationship in my life began to fall apart. I rarely talked to my friends anymore, there were other situations that contributed to this also. I became increasingly more like the average teenager stereotype that I swore I would never be. My attitude toward my parents declined to one of disregard and even dislike. My Wednesdays, usually filled with fellowship with some of my best friends, were now filled with loneliness and heartache.
But the part that I may never be able to forgive myself of, is the fact that while I was having my "Fun" following my own will and doing what I wanted, rather than what was right, God was screaming at the top of his lungs telling me to just stop moving backward long enough to see where I was and where I was headed. But I didnt. Deep inside, I knew that what I was doing was going to have dire consequences, but I couldnt begin to imagine the regret im feeling now.
As I swiftly moved away from God, I also became separated to any connection that would bring Him back up in my life. I felt like no one in my youth group was even seeing what was happening. And if no one noticed my spiritual decline, then I must not have been a very good person to begin with.
I didnt have that feeling of emptiness like everyone talks about. Actually, I honestly felt more free than I had in a very long time. I know now that that freedom was simply an illusion drawn up by the Deciever. The one thing I was very sure about, was that I wasnt sure of anything. Confusion ruled my life.
I want to tell you now that God is not a god of confusion, but a God of Wisdom and Clarity. So if you have any confusion about any aspect of your life, perhaps you need to put that at His feet and let Him sort it out. This is not an easy process.
Anyway, I think you get the point that things in my life were not where they were supposed to be. But luckily, Youth Camp happened. Its sad to say that I was just waiting on a reason to turn away from my sin, but its true. In my blindness, I saw no reason to go back to life I had before.
There was sadness and confusion and hurt, but, I reasoned with myself, but at least there was not that constant sense of inadequacy. That voice in the back of my mind telling me I wasnt trying hard enough, listening intently enough, I just wasnt good enough to work for a God so awesome. So why try?
It seems blatantly obvious now that that voice was the Liar of all Liars. And I let him convince me that I wasnt worth Gods trouble. Sickening.
Well, fortunately, Youth Camp snapped me out of it, along with some wise words from my older and wiser sister. Through this whole process, I discovered that believing in something is more than just hoping its true. Even if I turned out wrong, I would rather have lived a life of hope and belief in a greater purpose than a life filled with meaninglessness and nonexistence. Fortunately, I both believe and know that I am a child of a King who is the definition of Love itself.